Quince

Quick. Run. It's another slasher flick. A really bad one. Thank Jebus that it's only eight minutes long. But what an amateurishly awful eight minutes it is.

You want context? It comes from one line of dialogue on the radio that's easy to miss because of the 'natural' audio. If you want to know, there's a serial killer on the loose who kills on the 15th of the month, and you know what today just happens to be.

So with our introductory murder over with, we move onto the main plot which is that some dudes are having a party. No – that's it. That's all you're getting. Some dudes are having a party, a couple of girls (two) are coming and the final member hasn't turned up yet. In fact, the whole idea that they're having a party is so integral to the plot that the film focuses a minute and a half on the spilling of ice into a bucket and the emptying of chips into a bowl – a full one fifth of the film's runtime.

Right, the girls are there, it's time for the killer to turn up. And so he does. We've seen him already, but guess what he's wearing? That's right. Black hoodie and white face mask. It's so shocking. And he goes about his killing spree while the girls plot escape.

Quince – the apparent name of our derivative murderer – is full of bad audio, bad lighting, terrible acting and basic, basic scripting. Calling this a production is a luxury that shouldn't really be extended, despite producer Jace Elton giving himself no less than seventeen credits on this little home movie; writer/director Daniel Mart racks up just as many. There's sadly not one element that stands up to scrutiny and the results are so amateur that the Sound Editor, Lighting Director, Visual Effect Lead, Stunt Advisor, Production Designer and Script Doctor(!) should probably all lose their jobs.

There's no point in watching Quince. It doesn't have anything. There's not enough of anything to make it anything. Nobody seems to be checking that there's anything to work with. It's barely even a story. Quince is just about as basic as it gets and even if you think it might be worth eight minutes of your time, you'll end up being disappointed.