Andrea Alive

An enigmatic spy is on a mission to take down the leader of a crime syndicate wanted by the International Criminal Court, traversing the streets and the underworld of Rome, kicking criminal ass, and trying to look as fabulous as possible while doing so.

Andrea (Honsa) is an international spy on the trail of master criminal, Victor Pavlov (Zamperla), who is the head honcho of an organised crime syndicate currently operating across Europe. Andrea’s investigations have led her to Rome, where she intends to catch up to Victor and put him away for good, but there’s a few rounds of goons and henchmen to get through first before she can consider her work done. There is also the very important job of catwalking through some of Rome’s most famous landmarks by night, and making shapes on the cobbled streets as she throws hoods to the ground, that Andrea just can’t avoid taking time out for.

Andrea’s mission, you see, is to set the world free, and not just from criminal enterprises, but from the shackles of ordinariness and social norms. ‘Be whoever you want to be’, she says to an unsuspecting bystander as she hands him her handbag, which he clutches covetously – and this is the message that she wishes to spread through her work and the kicking of criminal butts. Andrea is fabulous and fashionable and fully committed to her role, which means that she always has to look great doing it, no matter if she’s fighting dirty, or is getting personal with the scum on the streets. Looks come first for Andrea, and everything else is just extra, including the fact that she is a cross-dresser.

Think more Conchita Wurst than Baga Chipz, and you’ll get a good impression of Andrea, with her full face of make-up and neatly trimmed beard to go with her lean physique and catwalk wardrobe. This ‘twist’ is added somewhat giddily by the filmmakers, overtaking almost the entire film in lieu of an actual plot, any sort of characterisation, or even minimal helpful backstory, leaving us with an idealised protagonist that stands only as a symbol rather than anything real. The writing from writer/star, Timo Honsa is extremely basic, and only furnishes us with enough stilted dialogue to string the fighting (and walking) scenes together, so we can get from one to the other, but without actually filling us in on any detail.

The laughably named Victor Pavlov, leaves us in no doubt that he is supposed to be Russian, sounding like he was named by JK Rowling in a rush when she needed to add in a bad guy Russian character, and the criminal syndicate he is in charge of never gets referenced as anything other than the cunningly titled, Crime Syndicate, showing a distinct lack of effort and originality. Bad guys spout stock bad guy one-liners while Andrea gets to try out her witty repartee as she bonks them on the head or whacks them in their knackers, but all lines are delivered with a horrible staccato tone that imparts nothing in the way of emotion, or intent, or intelligence.

For the five-and-a-quarter minutes that we spend with Andrea Alive in Rome, we are witness to three fight scenes and a few transitions, but there’s nothing much more than that. These are well handled and well shot by director, Wolfgang Stegemann, who keeps things pacy and intense, while making the streets of Rome look simultaneously menacing and beautiful, but most of the heavy lifting in the film comes from the soundtrack. A cover version of The Bee Gees’ ‘Stayin’ Alive’ is played throughout the entire film, giving a modern edge to the transition shots in the city, and leaning in to Andrea’s gender role in the lyrics as she goes around beating people up, but mostly it ups the intensity of the fight scenes and offers a sleek soundtrack to the fashionably dressed visuals. This, however, is the only main selling point of the film.

What Andrea Alive lacks in terms of plot or dialogue or characterisation it tries to make up for in its style and presentation, without ever managing to make up the distance between them. It is fully an example of style over substance, where looks mean everything and anything of value is left by the wayside for us grey-lived normies to cry over. Unfortunately, once the main conceit is revealed, and we see that what we’re watching is a guy in a dress beating up some cons on the street, that is really all we see and all we get, which makes for a very empty and unsatisfying watch that offers nothing interesting or new for the audience.