There are two things I love in life. Films. Football. To be precise, West Ham United. So when I saw a FILM that was set a FOOTBALL stadium, to be precise, WEST HAM UNITED’S old stadium I was so excited. My life was made. The only thing that could go wrong was how bad the film was. And fuck me, it went downhill as soon as the film started to play. A right pile of shite.
(for context with the rest of this review, West Ham are a terrible football team, just awful. So when I say, the film was as bad as the football that is normally played there you’ll get the joke)
There’s a Russian revolution gone on. Two brothers are the leaders. One of the brothers realises its gone too far and leaves with the help of the British government and gets a new identity. Pierce Brosnan, he turns into Pierce Brosnan. We’ll come back to that. Dave Bautista is an ex army who is visiting his niece in London, he’s got tickets for the West Ham game, the last game to be played at the stadium. They go to the game together. Now remember the other brother, the one who isn’t Pierce Brosnan, well he is London to capture his brother. For some reason, instead of just getting him at his house, he decides to capture him at the football game. I know right, makes no sense. So he takes over the control room and tries to locate where he is sitting using some special face-recognition technology. At the same time, Drax’s niece goes missing so he goes up to the control to try and find her (the terrorists have killed the phone lines) and comes face to face and ends up killing them to save his niece.
Now there’s a few stupid problems with the film that I can clarify as a football fan:
1) No way would Dave just be able to buy tickets to the last game at the stadium if he wasn’t a season ticket holder, or had a membership. Seeing as he hates England and football, its highly unlikely he would have one. 2) Erm, why are the away fans sitting in the old chicken run? We all know that they sat in the Trevor Brooking lower stand.
3) Honestly when I go to football stadiums I can’t even take the cap of my water bottle into the stadium. Seriously I have to take that off. Christ knows how them Russians got them flares into the stadium.
4) There is no way West Ham fans would let that massive flag block their view from the match. Any fans bring one of them into the stadium, they’d be bottled.
This is the CAPTAIN. He’s like 5ft 4. Trying to take on a 6ft 4 bloke. What do you think the fans would do?
Anyway. The film had a budget of £20 million, apparently. Which, for a Sky original film is a big budget. But I’m not too sure where that money was spent because the special effects were awful. It was so badly done. The shots were shaky, the green screen was obvious, the colour grading was horrible. It was so messy, more messy than West Ham’s defence. Ayo. The whole plot doesn’t really make sense. I have no idea why the Russians don’t grab the guy when he is at his home. If they know he will be attending the football game, they surely must know where he lives. But instead they do this where they are easily going to attract police attention. Which in the end they do. God its awful.
They acting is pretty woeful too, although I think this mostly comes down to the shoddy characters than the actors themselves. Dave Bautista neither has the charm of a Bruce Willis, nor the cold wit that Arnold Schwarzenegger so effortlessly oozes into his action roles. His niece, played by Lara Peake, who to be fair is pretty decent, but she isn’t from London and her accent is awful. You’re telling me the casting directors couldn’t find one East London actress? I think Pierce Brosnan lost a bet, or the director has got some dirty secret about him because I don’t know why he is in the film. It’s quite obvious he is the brother because we see him for one shot at the start of the movie and then not again until the final act of the film. And poor Amit Shah, who whilst likeable, falls foul of the racist abuse that comes from the white working class. It’s a classic trope that always pops up in football films. And whilst the writing uses his character to make fun of his religion, it also creates a barrier between the white working class as the film pokes fun out the far-right stereotypes that we are so use to seeing. White people running scared when a Muslim shouts ‘Allahu Akbar’.
Are there any good things about this film I hear you cry? Well, it was nice seeing the old stadium again. But thats purely from a West Ham point of view. It was good that the old bill punched that guy who called football, soccer. But thats purely from a football point of view. Oh there was a good scene when Dave is having a fight with a Russian and sticks his head in the boiling fat fryer and his face burns off. But thats purely from a sadistic point of view.