The SZN Movie

The Urban Dictionary tells us that in the common parlance of the yoof of today the word SZN is not actually an acronym for anything but is in fact one of those modern text speak abbreviations where they miss out all the vowels for some reason. So the word SZN is pronounced and actually means the same thing as the already long established actual word in the Oxford English Dictionary, season – as in a collection of related episodes of a TV series which are produced in and run for the duration of a few months at a time.

Therefore, what we get with The SZN Movie is an attempt at making a production in the shape of a film that's just about ninety minutes long but which plays like an entire season of a TV show – in this case a daytime TV soap opera – a really bad daytime TV soap opera. The 'plot', if we can call it that, revolves around the (apparently) notorious Perry family, a dynasty of movie moguls who exert a lot of pressure and influence, sometimes through nefarious means.

Our main protagonist is Roman Perry, played by director, writer, editor, executive producer and star, Malcolm Dwain Carter who in a not very intriguing twist of fate is lying to his colleagues about who he is, telling them that his family died in a horrific car crash. This seems to be the character's only plot line for the first twenty minutes and forms the worst, most feeble, big lie ever attempted to be concealed by a daytime soap character.

Along the way other characters are introduced, not very convincingly, with certain people we've never seen before just popping up in scenes with the main characters and hanging around until they become part of the scenery. This happens in true SZN fashion with a new character getting lobbed into the mix every ten minutes or so throughout the film. Eventually we have to contend with Avarice Perry (Akil), Roman's gangster like brother who's into some shady shenanigans involving the theft of some money; then there's Clyde Gilbert (Burns), a regular businessman who tries to do the right thing but who keeps getting caught up in the Perry's machinations; London Perry (Janelle), a feisty, fast-talking powerhouse, and Roman's sister who's always on hand to dispense good advice; and of course, the daddy of them all, Seymour Raphael Perry (Living), the cut-throat media mogul himself.

There are other things going on on the sidelines with relationships and things but none of it really matters as the whole scenario makes very little sense in the first place. Just as in other daytime TV soaps, all of the drama (or forced melodrama) in The SZN Movie is assumed and has no real basis in any substance of backstory or characterisation. The entire film is made up of back to back closed room scenes where two or three characters face off against each other and have a lot of tense conversations without any gravity behind what they're saying. It's true mindless junk.

Thankfully, The SZN Movie has some kind of production value to it and the scenes come across as crisp and clear and even colourful when need be. The audio is uneven at times but not enough to ruin the feel of the film but the rest of the technical aspects run smoothly and really help the viewer to think they're watching bad daytime TV. The actors all put their full weight behind their characters and commit to them completely, which would be great if all of their characters weren't just a bunch of overblown posturing idiots.

There's not much to recommend The SZN Movie as it is vacuous and empty and oh-so badly dramatised. The only reason to watch this would be if you actually enjoyed bad daytime TV because that's all that it is. If you do actually like that sort of thing, you're in luck, as there's a four episode mini web series of The SZN to go along with the movie, as well as an offshoot film focusing on the naughty brother, Avarice – but honestly, none of these, including this film, are worth any amount of your time.